


on earth I Wait forlorn

by Shimruto



Series: Surviving Homin bday month 2019 [3]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: At least I tried, M/M, Sad, Soulmates, and guess who was the darkest sith to my jedi?, it's physically hard for me to write sad things, please know i suffered too, should have more practice?, the project to break everyone's heart, the saddest sad, when i wrote this, whispers THAT name
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 12:26:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17766767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shimruto/pseuds/Shimruto
Summary: Changmin knows that in this universe he is Cold and Yunho is Warmth. But there has always been that conviction coming from Yunho that his warmth would be enough for both of them.Changmin takes a look at him now and feels that maybe his cold element turned out to be a stronger one in their equation.





	on earth I Wait forlorn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jumpstarts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumpstarts/gifts), [kittylovesbambi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittylovesbambi/gifts).



> /i was dragged to the dark side/  
> sorry not sorry everyone.
> 
> please try to enjoy our little festival with kaara and ching (yes i give the names) to destroy St.Valentine's day (i hate this holiday - so i was motivated) ^&^

Changmin looks at the red string that connects their wrists and wonders if the lasso of Fate made a mistake or was drunk when It decided to tie them in a clumsy entity.

For the most people finding your soulmate is an intriguing journey but their story is truly exceptional by any measure.

They met on a rainy day.

A withdrawn writer and a sunkissed teacher.

Changmin still feels electric when he recalls the moment their red strings – that usually stretched endlessly into the infinity – suddenly pulled together and bound them. Not caring about them standing on the polar opposites of this life nor giving them a chance to proceed how their worlds just made an upside down leap of faith.

How are they one with those completely mismatched brinks of their characters? How are they meant to blend when they are so different in substances?

He was always wondering about their parallel lines that somehow crossed. His logical mind starving mercilessly for the facts, the useless proofs to satisfy his hole of doubt. After wandering around blindly and without any success – his disbelief became an immanent behavior pattern.

The pattern that is hard for him to break now.

 

Yunho sits across him resting his hands on the table. The sun is flowing through the window of the café – warming the surface around. He follows the flecks of the sunlight as if trying to catch them, probably hoping that they can heat up Changmin’s cold temper.

Changmin knows that in this universe he is Cold and Yunho is Warmth. But there has always been that conviction coming from Yunho that his warmth would be enough for both of them.

Changmin takes a look at him now and feels that maybe his cold element turned out to be a stronger one in their equation.

 

“I miss the old times when there were the sugar bowls on every table and not these paper one-use bags.”

Yunho’s voice is tender, probably because he doesn’t look Changmin in eye. A frequent occasion lately.

“I remember when I was small I was always looking forward to the teatime after every meal to open the bowl and look fascinatingly at the occasional sugar rocks – the white crystal diamonds buried in the sand – thinking that they are the treasure of the family.”

“Oh, hyung… Only you will see a deep meaning in something that happened due to someone in your family impatiently or absent-mindedly sticking the wet spoon right into the bowl.”

Contrary to the expectations Yunho smiles a little.

“A true sign of a happy family, don’t you think so? People letting those rocks stay in the bowl… not destroying them but accepting the bumps and roughness created by the different approaches… for the sake of your loved ones.”

Changmin shivers.

It is his calling to throw the double meanings not Yunho’s.

It feels unnatural.

Yunho is an open book, wearing his heart on the sleeve.

When did he change?

Has the protective layers that Changmin was slowly shedding actually been falling on Yunho all this time? Somehow sticking on him and shape-shifting into the walls? Shutting his inborn light off?

But Yunho sips his too-hot coffee and crinkles his nose in the fennec fashion and Changmin feels the shroud of prosiness numbing his little impulses for something greater, something Yunho is ready to share but Changmin is too afraid to act upon and learn.

 “It smells like primrose.”

“What?”

“Every time he comes I feel primrose in the air.”

The café is a popular place for the couples but, of course, Yunho would take an interest in a lonely man who is like a shadow. Yunho always notices small things and little brushes – the things that open for the others only when _he_ points them out. Changmin is sure he sees the man for the first time but the scent of the primrose has definitely been the constant background for their visits here from the beginning.

The old man takes a seat at the dim corner as if shielding from the world, the eyes staring in the distance, a mannequin wearing thousands of longing. Yunho looks at him with the stare too rich and Changmin wants to reach and break this contact. This feeling of stopping Yunho from sparing the generous glances that carry the stars is too strong – too contradicting to Changmin’s reserved attitude most of the time.

He wonders what makes him behave like this. Yunho is precious and soft and feels like the whitest snow that may twinkle a little in the light of the moon and pure your soul on any gruesome day.

Changmin should come forward and protect him.

But why he wants to turn over and push him beyond the limit?

 

 

*

 

 

When they fight it looks ugly.

Changmin’s ability to deliver the sharpest blows.

Yunho’s face as an open book writing the words of hurt all over.

And Changmin likes to read, especially the sad poetry. Maybe that’s why he likes to hurt Yunho – to see how the words are translated into the dear features and fly off as the petals of the dead dandelion.

 

Changmin does not remember what started this quarrel but it is not pretty.

Today Changmin is sharper, colder, the heart forgot to wake up this morning. Yunho is forgiving and sometimes it makes Changmin lash out even more.

The argument goes on and on and then it dies. The silence is deafening and suffocating.

Changmin looks at the startled expression on Yunho’s face, eyes looking somewhere down. He follows his gaze and sees the dread flashing its claws in a sickening smile.

Their red string is lying on the floor.

_Cut in the middle._

Changmin feels the appalling weight of the metal scissors in his hand and tries to throw them away, fingers slippery and crunched from the cold horror. The sound of their fall wakes up Yunho from the stupor.

The nightmare that is too real. Too real that it seems insane.

Changmin sees Yunho walking past him, maintaining the distance as if his life depends on it. Maybe it does.

He doesn’t stop though his steps are wobbling and shuts the door.

Changmin wants to run after him and say the things that he has always kept inside. But they are so deep that he can’t reach them now.

 

So he lets go.

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin buys a metronome because suddenly his heart doesn’t remember what a rhythm is. He wakes up earlier to set it to a dull succession of _toc toc_ to pull himself through the day. He winds it up at nights to lull himself to sleep or at least to put himself into a hypnotic trance to let his body regain the energy.

Though this energy is somewhat useless when Yunho is not near.

He feels like an old key-chain – attached to life because the hook is crooked and the owner forgot it is there.

 

 

*

 

 

In his dreams, he sees a matryoshka doll.

He opens one by one only to find the replicas of himself – smaller, shabbier, queerer. He looks at the row of _hims_ on the ground and wonders what’s wrong... The eyes of his disfigured copies staring back at him, whispering the incoherent answers.

He reaches the last tiny doll –a hollow kernel of his soul.

It’s a blank one.

Maybe because the last doll should be Yunho. As the center of his universe, as the powerful atom that held him together. But he cut him off, effaced him from his soul and now Changmin is just a blank sheet – torn and thrown away from the stock. He might have used the smelly suffocating whiteout to make himself look decent – but you can’t erase the ugly writings and his sheet is only suited to serve as a draft.

But no one needs a draft in this life and Changmin sinks deeper.

 

 

*

 

 

Years go by and Changmin thinks he is on the verge of the catatonic hell. He looks into the mirror and thinks his reflection has more life than he does.

He has never had a lot of friends but those who stayed drop by to try shaking him back to life. Their attempts are usually unsuccessful until one of them mentions Yunho in a fit of frustration.

Changmin’s heart beats for the first time since _that_ day sending the layers of dust in his heart into the awkward dance.

He begs to tell him everything they know and though all of them doubt it will lead to anything good – Changmin’s finally vivid eyes change their minds.

They heard that Yunho moved the places and found a stable job in the suburb district. He seems to be holding up quite alright – to the point that some thought he could have moved on if that was really possible for a cut-off soulmate.

Changmin sponges all information but like for a dessert land during the rainstorm it is not enough.

Something brews in him. He knows that the thought is ridiculous as once you cut the string you can’t be together anymore in this lifetime, doomed to live the last days alone awaiting a new reincarnation where your strings will connect again and you will get a new chance to be one again. _If you are lucky._

His mind screams at him, a second apart from going against the current for the first time.

But Changmin doesn’t listen and wishes only one thing – to see Yunho again.

 

 

*

 

 

He goes to Yunho’s workplace and watches from afar.

Yunho is with the kids. Out in the open. A smile still is there. Only it is now with the little fractions that he caused.

He wonders how everything would turn out if he had more courage to fight for Yunho but more importantly for himself.

Changmin knew they were different and totally unmatched but the red string caused the love to bud inside him and open the channels for the gentle feelings. The channels he was not taught to use.

And too much affection and tenderness if not released shift into a stagnant puddle – smelly and rotten. This poison spreads further and you can’t control it. Changmin remembers his hesitant attempts to show the care openly but everyone who was accustomed to his spikey gloomy self laughed and mocked at that sudden change.

But what frightened him more than anything – among all this shower of disbelief on him –  was that Yunho didn’t make fun of him even once, ready to accept and gift his heart willingly. So facing these honest feelings for the first time Changmin flew away summoning the rivers of his spoilt warmth to poison Yunho’s goodwill and shield his coward heart from reaching out for the happiness.

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin gathers courage and sends Yunho a message.

Begging to meet.

Even covered in the cobweb glass cracks Yunho agrees.

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin sees Yunho again, finally takes a closer look at him and thinks that maybe he didn’t break him.

If you break something you may pick up the pieces and patch it together into a rugged version. But he scorched every particle around Yunho and the vacuum itself is chocking on the legacy of his stupid insolence.

He stares at the angles and the lines that look so foreign and so familiar and his heart almost gets rid of the rubbles it has been buried under.

 

It is simple.

Changmin wants to take a chance again.

In the next life.

“I know this life is ruined and we can’t be together till our deaths. I wish I could have turned the time back… Please forgive me and let’s try to live from now on with the look into the future – into the next reincarnation when our strings connect again and I will work hard to make you happy.”

Changmin doesn’t know he holds his breath until Yunho mutters the answer after a long silence. The eyes a bit dimmer than they ought to be.

“We may try.”

 

 

*

 

 

They part again but Changmin feels like Yunho’s warmth from the past finally reached him.

He feels almost whole.

A joke thrown in the face by his always-late heart.

 

 

*

 

 

He still wakes up sweaty and gasping for air – the visions of Yunho’s features and his unstable tone during their meeting trying to drown him.

Changmin feels like one part of the puzzle is yet to be put in place.

He recalls the scene thousands of times to see what he missed but nothing comes to mind.

 

 

*

 

 

He goes around the city taking the long walks Yunho loved so much and tricked Changmin to go with him during their first days together.

His tired legs unexpectedly calm him down by the end of every evening.

_Yunho is his as he is Yunho’s and in the next life they will be together just as in many lives after that._

He will make sure that Yunho is loved and happy.

A sudden memory of Yunho’s open arms ready for the hug and a sunshine voice calling his name makes Changmin’s heart melt a little. He stops to lean on the rails and look at the river under the bridge.

_I will feel his love again._

And for the first time in years – Changmin smiles.

 

 

*

 

 

The day should have been sunny but the clouds are not clearing.  As if the sky is angry.

Angry at Changmin.

He tries to understand what he has done wrong but the thought is slipping through his hands like the silk.

Out of irritation the sky lets out the droplets of rain to cover its frustration.

 

He hears the bell and goes to open the door.

Hojun stands outside and Changmin immediately feels his stomach twist. The older has never liked him thinking that Yunho deserved better.

Changmin thinks Hojun was always right. But the crux is that only Changmin can be perfect for Yunho.

 

Hojun is silent and Changmin wishes he stayed like this forever. But instead he starts talking and Changmin feels his heart slowing down to reach the straight line on the monitor.

_Yunho went to fill in for the sick colleague. He was late and the road was slippery. It was a quick crash. He didn’t even feel anything. I found this in his flat. It seems he wrote this to you but never sent it._

Changmin stays still until he feels the paper letter in his hand weighing more than a truck. The corridor is empty – Hojun left and he doesn’t know when. The sunlight that was already hidden by the clouds starts disappearing beneath the horizon. A game of colors creating a bloody line – a verdict to his prayer.

Changmin looks at the words but doesn’t understand what they mean.

Yunho’s disappearance from this life-consuming all his abilities to function.

He carefully unwraps the letter and straightens the corners – they are wrinkled and the pencil writings are smudged all over the sheet.

_“Dear Changminnie,_

_Or rather… Changmin. I lost the right to call you anything close to this after our string stopped connecting us._

_I write this with the hope to send this to you but I know I will not have enough courage to do it. I never had enough courage with you… maybe that is why you did this?_

_I was too much in everything for you. All that irritation, frustration and quarrels – I strongly believed that love can conquer all and that was my mistake. I had to look much closer at you, be more attentive to our misplaced edges. This world with the soulmates really softens and makes us lazy – people are becoming too sure of themselves after they see that their string now leads and ends on someone. Maybe that is the main mistake? We feel like at the end of any fairytale – when the couple finally found each other and this is the perfect end… but in real life it is just the beginning and we lose sight of it._

_I used to wonder what those who never find their soulmates feel – not being able to live fully, always searching and longing. If this world created the red strings – shouldn’t all of us be happy and in love? If that is so – then why do people like that old man exist?_

_But you showed me life… the other reality… the reality that I wished to comprehend. Well… the wishes are really dangerous, Changmin. The day you cut our string I thought I died alive… I think in the end I really did._

_I could not grasp till the end of what happened on that day. I was so miserable all those years. So when you appeared out of nowhere I was so happy to see you and couldn’t believe you wished to be together again. I desired this with my whole heart. I love you so much even when we are not connected in this life – my heart never stopped beating for you even for a second. But after our last meeting, I started to go crazy. I recalled all those times you were angry at me and how we quarreled. Every time when I dreamed of you smiling like before I would wake up in cold sweat from the sudden click of the scissors. I had panic attacks just seeing them in my daily life. And… I started to fear that you would do this again. What if you cut our string again in the next life...  I surely will disappear right there on the spot. The pieces of my heart will crush to dust and I will not be able to understand where each grain belongs to because my heart consists fully of you and it seems I stopped knowing you…  maybe I never truly did._

_I was struggling to cope with and accept the fact that we could try again… but I am not strong, Changmin._

_Not like you…._

_I saw you once… on the bridge… smiling… you really fought through the darkness and looked forward to the future but my mind is all frozen in the past. That day I could not throw your happy expression from my head. You were so beautiful – but what if I can’t be good enough again and will be the reason for your marred expression. What if I am cursed to make your eyes look so cold, never finding the way to reach you as I should have…_

_I was so devastated and afraid that I understood one thing – I can’t face you like this anymore, Changmin. Even in the next life, I am sure my maimed soul will not be able to make you happy and we will butcher our lives again. That is why that night I overcame my fear… I took the scissors and cut my string… completely._

_This means no reincarnation for me. This will be my last life and thus we will not hurt each other again._

_I am sorry, Changminnie. I dared to love you too much. Please be happy._

_~~Your~~ _ _Yunho.”_

 

 

Changmin feels his back is on fire as he slides down the wall to the cold floor. His head is exploding and he tries to stop this pain by squeezing it together. His fingers shaking away as he feels the salty moisture covering the hand – it is so wet that he can almost see the mirrored image of his face on it.

He looks at the window that is painted with the paths of raindrops that try to convey a message to him in the language he doesn’t speak.

A gust of wind opens the window and after rustling the curtains it forcefully makes its way into his lungs allowing him to continue occupying the coldest place on earth.

 

 

Changmin closes his eyes.

 

 

The sudden smell of primrose slowly mixes with his tears.

**Author's Note:**

> a little note - "primrose" means "I can't live without you" in the floral language. just a small detail)
> 
> so my friends (who are maybe now ex-friends) please feel free to express how you feel about it. shouts are accepted in moderate portions? hahahah yeah.... have a good day, everyone!^^ ily!! *broken heart fingers*


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